Most people can attest that I am a pretty sensitive and aware person. I tend to be that guy who comes up to you a week after, trying to apologize for something you totally forgot about. Blenders sound really loud to me, and I can always tell if a couple is fighting in the restaurant, even if they’re not my section and look like they’re okay. I used to proudly declare myself as “constantly vigilant.” I have so much gratitude for my vigilance. I am so grateful for my alertness and sensitivity which sends of tons of alarm bells if things don’t sit right. Vigilance has been so strong for me, so protective of my tenderness, and so unwavering. I think of Vigilance as a determined, stalwart night watchman, circling and circling each moment to make sure everyone stays safe. He can’t take a break, he says, because his job is to protect and defend. Besides, no one else is going to do it! Vigilance says if I don’t watch everything, everything is going to fall apart. People could crush me. And, if I don’t keep on my toes, there’s no saying how much destruction I could cause. Thank goodness for Vigilance!
Well, because I am lucky enough to be a growing, organic human bean, I am starting to get that Vigilance is maybe - maybe- just a little jumpy. Vigilance might be one of those guys who drinks three cups of coffee, a Red Bull, and is now chewing on tic-tacs in a really creepy, teeth-grinding sort of way. He paces the halls, taps a club against his palm and mumbles minor threats. I’m sort of noticing this and starting to wonder - is this the best guy for the job?
I'd like to share with you something that I am taking on practicing this month: speaking up without having it all figured out. This is a major stretch for myself in that I hate looking stupid and/or vulnerable. I have considerable anxiety around being caught in criticism without my defenses up, without my side ready to explain itself. I find myself repeatedly gearing up with evidence to present anyone who asks me about my politics, my decisions, my actions....
By not acting or speaking up before I have 100% certainty, I've living a stale and safe life... I'm living small and not growing. See bottom image of the treehouse- I'm visioning how this way of living is like living on the trunk of the tree, settling down and completely living on the most sturdy, solid and unmoving area of the tree (versus, see top image- getting out on the skinny branches: living without evidence. Growing and moving with fluidity). I've been living a life based on evidence, a small and passive survival technique that I am not committed to.