Sometimes being with the upset of others is easy for me.  When my best friend, or my lover come to me, complaining, afraid and resistant, sometimes a soft smile will grace my face.  Of course, I’m not happy that they are upset, but I am able to stand and watch their stormy emotions, be present for their experience of fear and separation, and smile at the beautifully human experience that they get to have, and that they will watch me have some day.  I choose loving them unconditionally, and so I choose to be present for their upsets too.

With other people – coworkers, acquaintances, and friends’ partners - it can be more challenging to hold the seat of unconditional love. I think part of the challenge here comes from my ego trying to insist that, “I didn’t choose these people!”  Speaking from experience, I can say that it is much harder for me to be present for someone’s upset when I feel like I didn't choose them and want them to go away.

Today, I am practicing choosing people that are a stretch for me to love.  It allows me to accept my coworkers upset when I can see that I choose them to do my life’s work with.  I can be more patient with a friend’s partner when I see that I choose them, as a human being who is trying to live  in integrity and learn about love.  As for those acquaintances that I just want to go away?  Maybe I can choose them, choose being their friend, and in doing so choose the parts of me that are afraid to be left out.

I am present to how vital questions are in this world.  Questions are a way that I communicate that I care about something.  I ask questions to be honest about my ignorance.  I ask questions to work outside of assumptions and look for the truth in others.  I ask questions to start a conversation about something that must not be talked about often enough.

Asking questions (like perhaps our question of the day: Who is your hero?) is a powerful way to get into someone else's world and see what is fueling them.  Every day every employee of Cafe Gratitude & Gracias Madre gets to participate in what we call a "clearing".

At its core, a clearing is three questions:  

Seven years ago today I was 19 years old and running away from a flirtatious and awkward 18 year old boy who wouldn't give up on me.  For months prior I kept giving hints that I wanted to be friends and nothing else.  I felt weird that he wasn't getting it, and I wasn't certain enough to outright tell him.  

We met online.  I was desperate for a roommate at the time and he thought that I was interesting.  I met him at my favorite smoothie/tea shop and he gave me my favorite movie on DVD (which he bought in preparation for our first meeting) before I even sat down.  He quickly became one of my best friends and we started working together dressing up as Lady Liberty and Uncle Sam for a tax company (which was far beyond his comfort zone, but allowed him to be close to me).  He obviously wasn't having a good time dressing up and waving at cars (something that I felt inspired about at the time).  We didn't have much in common.  I was a newfound feminist student activist; he was a programmer and gamer.  I was weary about dating him because I didn't see us having similar goals or even similar languages. I was the type of person that wore a prom dress made of duct tape.  He was the type of person who left high school out of disinterest.  

He made advances that pushed at the boundaries of friendship and I nervously rejected them, unsure of how such a relationship would work.  While sitting on the couch, he would reach for my hand or lean in for a kiss.  I didn't know how to react and so I didn't say anything and carefully avoided him in romantic settings.  I thought maybe something was wrong with him because I didn't understand why someone would be so intensely interested in me.