One of the things that you hear most about healthy relationships, families, and communities is that they are built on trust.  Now, I have to admit, that this confuses me a little bit.  I mean, what is this ‘Trust’ thing anyway? To find out more about how to cultivate trust, I did a bit of research.  John Gottman, Ph.D. at the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley defines trust using the acronym ‘Attune’:

•  Awareness of your partner’s emotion;
•  Turning toward the emotion;
•  Tolerance of two different viewpoints;
•  trying to Understanding your partner;
•  Non-defensive responses to your partner;
•  and responding with Empathy.

Are you surprised?  I have to admit that I was.  I grew up in a culture where having ‘trust’ in a relationship meant something straightforward, like having trust that someone is not ‘cheating’ on you, or trusting that they will show up when they said they would.  Matthew and Terces seem to have a similar idea about trust in relationship.  Here are some of the things that they are committed to:

As I reflect back on the beginning of my relationship, I remember writing the article below. It has been a year full or growth, wonder, love, amazement and diving deeper into my own awareness as a human being. I want to share this experience with you because before this moment I did not know what the possibilities of love could bring into my life. I thought I had an idea but until I shared this hug I hadn’t experienced it.

This is the key. To experience. To feel it in the body.

Yesterday I was cooped up in an office building all day, eyes glued to a computer screen. I told myself I would take breaks, and I did, but I didn’t take enough of them, and not the kind I needed. Getting some fresh air would have cleared my head, but when I get into the daze of a busy workday sometimes I forget to nurture myself. As it was, I emerged onto the Berkeley street at 5:00pm to a surprise - rain.  It had been summer-sunny all week and so the wet was startling, and--and this is interesting--almost immediately disappointing.
As I surveyed the soaked city street, negative thoughts streaked rapid-fire through my head: I don’t have rain gear!--I’m going to get soaked.--This is a terrible state of affairs.--Why didn’t I check the weather forecast?--It was stupid not to.--How will I make myself check the weather next time?--How will I get home right now?--Now I’m depressed.--Rain is depressing.--I shouldn’t have left sunny Santa Barbara.--I can’t live in Berkeley.
Holy smokes! A few drops of water had me questioning my longtime goal to live in the Bay! Notice how none of those thoughts--which all reverberated through my noggin in about a second and a half--were positive or uplifting. My ego, that chattering devil of the mind, had nothing good to say about the rain. But as I mounted my bike and began to brave the elements, I made a choice to flip a switch in my head. I was going to try an experiment--being grateful for the rain.
And I began to feel better, as these statements showed up in my consciousness: Rain nourishes the Earth.--This storm renews life.--I’m not too wet, and I’ll be inside, and dry, very soon.--This unexpected weather is exciting, different, fascinating.--The air smells so, so incredibly good.
I invite you to practice positive thinking in the face of the critical onslaught our minds are so good at creating. Next time you find yourself in a situation you can’t immediately change in a physical sense--maybe you’re wet, or cold, or crammed into a car for a long drive--acknowledge your outside circumstances, but then direct your attention to what you have to be grateful for, instead of only what’s going wrong. I could have focused on the discomfort of the droplets soaking through my clothes, but instead I put my attention on the invigorating aromas of a world thirsty for water.
You always have the power to notice and change your thoughts!

We are back from Maine and our precious visit with Matthew's parents.  We are so grateful to still have them living and count our time with them as such a valuable gift.  I was able to read an autobiography of Carl's (Matthew's father) father who was born in 1873 and lived to be 96 years old. It was such a beautiful look at some of the strengths and endearing qualities of the Engelhart family: thier love of people and gathering of community, and their acceptance of different ways of thought and appreciation of others. I was also able to experience some living history from a very personal perspective.

How grateful I am for all we have and the ongoing love and support of our family and community. This is clearly a good time to be alive.

On my birthday I rode my bike with no hands and swam in a beautiful fresh water quarry. Thank you to everyone who extended their loving wishes for me in my special day, they were each so deeply appreciated. Anne, Matthew's sister, and her husband Doug came out to Vinalhaven from Boston and made me a delicious birthday cake! Thank you both.

Anger is not my favorite emotion.  I do not consider myself an angry person, and I do not frequently experience anger in my life.  Situations that are uncomfortable for me usually elicit frustration, sadness, or hurt, before they ever touch the nerve of anger. 

I am beginning to realize, that even though I do not feel angry when people betray my personal standards of conduct, my anger does surface in other ways: silence, avoidance, and irritability.  I am beginning to consider that anger is actually on my side, and is trying to help me become more empowered in my relationships.  I push it down because of fear that it is not socially permissible, or that it will not be taken well.  Sometimes I am even afraid that if I let my anger out, it will simply be too much and run amok. 

I woke up this morning with scarcity on my mind.  I’m sure many of you have had this experience.  Before my cup of tea, before letting the chickens out in the yard, or taking a hot shower, my mind was churning with fear and disappointment.  The theme today was: “I am not making enough money.”

Sometimes being with the upset of others is easy for me.  When my best friend, or my lover come to me, complaining, afraid and resistant, sometimes a soft smile will grace my face.  Of course, I’m not happy that they are upset, but I am able to stand and watch their stormy emotions, be present for their experience of fear and separation, and smile at the beautifully human experience that they get to have, and that they will watch me have some day.  I choose loving them unconditionally, and so I choose to be present for their upsets too.

With other people – coworkers, acquaintances, and friends’ partners - it can be more challenging to hold the seat of unconditional love. I think part of the challenge here comes from my ego trying to insist that, “I didn’t choose these people!”  Speaking from experience, I can say that it is much harder for me to be present for someone’s upset when I feel like I didn't choose them and want them to go away.

Today, I am practicing choosing people that are a stretch for me to love.  It allows me to accept my coworkers upset when I can see that I choose them to do my life’s work with.  I can be more patient with a friend’s partner when I see that I choose them, as a human being who is trying to live  in integrity and learn about love.  As for those acquaintances that I just want to go away?  Maybe I can choose them, choose being their friend, and in doing so choose the parts of me that are afraid to be left out.

It's not every day that I turn on the radio.  I make up that most songs on the radio are about indulging messages grounded in separation, longing, and fear.  I've listened to this kind of music before, and in the past I have empathized with messages like: "I'm better than you, I'm the top of the top," "I just can't live without you," and "Everything is messed up, so put your hands in the air."

Nowadays, I'm living life from a more internal approach.  Taking responsibility, practicing love and forgiveness, and choosing beliefs that serve me.  One of my long standing beliefs that does not serve me is that mainstream music isn't worth listening to.

When is the last time you heard a song on the radio that was about finding your voice, living from your heart, or healing the planet?  Well, I heard some songs like these just the other day, and so I'm going to take this opportunity to dispel my (and maybe your) misgivings about what popular music has to offer.

We are loving the SUNSHINE, and so are the tomatoes, cucumber and zucchini plants! Bees are buzzing around, happy to have dry weather and some fresh flowers to drink from. Strawberries are abundant and picked daily. Chickens are loving that the only water they get are in their waterers, or from irrigation sprinklers!

The tomatoes in the greenhouse are beautiful and ripening as well.  Grandchildren are also enjoying the warmer weather, have no have need to be gathering around the campfire, and are getting to swim in the afternoons. Leadership Training happened this past weekend and I am so  inspired by who is showing up for training in taking on a greater expression of being a leader in the awakening of unconditional love. How about you? No need to participate in the training to start expanding your personal expression of unconditional love in the world!

We have had some sadness in our community as well, the death of the brother of our long time bookkeeper, Greg. We ask that you please send love in the direction of him and his family as they deal with the transformation that is forced at times of emergency. Love is an amazing healer.

Being human is a unique kind of joy, a unique kind of sadness, and pain, and ecstasy.  An old woman sat at my bar the other day, and told me she was having a bad day.  She said, "Not all days can be good days, you know."  As short as my life has been, I know this as well.  Not all days are happy days.  Some days are full of anxiety, others brim with sadness, and some seem dark but are laced with hope.  On days like these, I sometimes have trouble accepting my life as it is.  I think "If only they didn't have to go," "If only I hadn't been that way," or "Why is this happening to me?"

At times like these, I try to pay attention to the opportunity that I have.  I chose to have a human experience, and that means that I will find many challenges in my life: separation, death, and parts of myself and others that I do not like.  The tremendous opportunity that I have is to love it all, especially these things that I do not like, and to remember that each of these is a gift from the universe to make my life even more amazing.  Rumi (a 13th century Muslim Mystic and poet), muses on this in his poem Guest House: