As an employee of Café Gratitude, I have a variety of feelings and thoughts on the closing of the company. Most of all, I am deeply saddened by the actions that brought it to this point. Yes, I grieve the loss of my job, but more importantly, I am grieving the loss of the company which has been so life-giving throughout the five years I have been an employee.

The staff meeting we had right after we found out about the company going out of business was full of emotions and questions. In the history of my time at Café Gratitude, staff meetings have always inspired me, and this day was no different. As I left the café that morning, I walked past the fire station. The fire fighters must have been doing some training or testing of the water because I saw a huge fountain of water spurting up in the air, the forceful fountain that can only come from a powerful hydrant. The kind of water that puts out fires. And I realize that's exactly what this feels like – a forest fire, burning everything in its path to the ground. In that moment, seeing the fountain of water in the early morning sun, I realized that anyone standing on the opposite side of it must have seen the biggest, brightest rainbow ever. I was sure of it. The wall of spray was so thick, and the sun was so bright, I was sure that the rainbow must have been glorious. I decided to go out of my way to simply catch a glimpse of that magnificent rainbow. Before I got there,

 though, the water spray stopped. I had missed my chance. But even just thinking about that rainbow and how beautiful it must have been put a smile on my face that lasted for several minutes. That's how powerful imagination is. The rainbow that day gave me hope.

WOW!  Over the past few weeks I’ve been getting my PhD in Not Taking it Personally.  A couple of weeks ago I wrote a powerful declaration of what I’m up to in the world and how I am using my physical body to portray it and be the change I wish to see in the world.  I am proud and empowered by literally taking Gandhi’s words into my life and make my life be dedicated to rupturing the oppressions that I feel and see in the world.  How this shows up, is that I don’t shave my legs and I’ve recently tried stopping plucking the hairs from my chin.  It has taken me several steps to get to this place of first noticing where I’m feeling disempowered, then making a difference, and now- speaking out about it.  I thought that I had it all figured out, that I was on top of any feeling of unworthiness and truly in my power as a woman fully in choice and freedom around my body.  Well, rarely are we ever done and finished with learning lessons.  As I’ve heard time and time again- as soon as you declare something, everything else shows up.

Immediately after posting I found comments on my blog that were hateful and degrading to me and my commitment.  I found that a link to my blog was mentioned on another website with dozens of responses and reactions to my commitment with disgust and hatred.  I felt attacked, alone,  diminished, defensive, angry… and then I recognized what work there is to do from my seat.  My emotional reaction to the circumstances of their comments is my work to push through.  It’s human to feel sadness with criticism and defensive with aggressive words… and it’s my job to stay in my commitments and weather the storm.  As Kindred Spirit reminds me, upsets are not personal:

Most people can attest that I am a pretty sensitive and aware person. I tend to be that guy who comes up to you a week after, trying to apologize for something you totally forgot about. Blenders sound really loud to me, and I can always tell if a couple is fighting in the restaurant, even if they’re not my section and look like they’re okay. I used to proudly declare myself as “constantly vigilant.” I have so much gratitude for my vigilance. I am so grateful for my alertness and sensitivity which sends of tons of alarm bells if things don’t sit right. Vigilance has been so strong for me, so protective of my tenderness, and so unwavering. I think of Vigilance as a determined, stalwart night watchman, circling and circling each moment to make sure everyone stays safe. He can’t take a break, he says, because his job is to protect and defend. Besides, no one else is going to do it! Vigilance says if I don’t watch everything, everything is going to fall apart. People could crush me. And, if I don’t keep on my toes, there’s no saying how much destruction I could cause. Thank goodness for Vigilance!

Well, because I am lucky enough to be a growing, organic human bean, I am starting to get that Vigilance is maybe - maybe- just a little jumpy. Vigilance might be one of those guys who drinks three cups of coffee, a Red Bull, and is now chewing on tic-tacs in a really creepy, teeth-grinding sort of way. He paces the halls, taps a club against his palm and mumbles minor threats. I’m sort of noticing this and starting to wonder - is this the best guy for the job?

I'd like to share with you something that I am taking on practicing this month:  speaking up without having it all figured out.  This is a major stretch for myself in that I hate looking stupid and/or vulnerable.  I have considerable anxiety around being caught in criticism without my defenses up, without my side ready to explain itself.  I find myself repeatedly gearing up with evidence to present anyone who asks me about my politics, my decisions, my actions....

I am realizing that my compulsive need to have all evidence organized causes me to be in a separation story,  be in defense of the world, be a victim, and live a safe/reserved life.  Gearing up by having everything figured out 100% before I speak up, I'm creating the world as something that I am separate from... as if there are teams to be on or not on.  Not only that, but I am practicing as if I am a victim of an agitator.  I am creating a story that the world will attack me and that I must have everything organized and ready for battle to survive.  

By not acting or speaking up before I have 100% certainty, I've living a stale and safe life... I'm living small and not growing.  See bottom image of the treehouse- I'm visioning how this way of living is like living on the trunk of the tree, settling down and completely living on the most sturdy, solid and unmoving area of the tree (versus, see top image- getting out on the skinny branches: living without evidence. Growing and moving with fluidity).  I've been living a life based on evidence, a small and passive survival technique that I am not committed to.  

Tomorrow our living room area of our central offices will be filled with open minded powerful workshop participants.  Every month we hold one workshop where Terces and Matthew Engelhart share what they've learned and what they're practicing in their lives.  In these workshops, they open their hearts, speak authentically and transparently, and spend the entire weekend expressing what they've created in the many communities they've founded.  People from all of the world come to these workshops and we know that it's a challenge for many to come, stay for the weekend, and to listen without filters, defenses or resistance.  I'm here to tell you that we know that you've got your own methods, that you've learned how to survive, what works and what doesn't.  We know that you've got it together... and these workshops are an opportunity for to release what isn't working.  How's your relationship with money?  Do you fear it, hate it, depend on it...?  If you struggle with finances, don't trust money or feel confined by it, the Abounding River Workshop (this September) might be another path that works better for you.  Think of these workshops as invitations to another way... not as "the way".  We don't offer you the truth, these are tools that we like and we're referring them to others because they work so well for us.  Our last workshop was The Abounding River and we brought it to Manhattan with great reviews.  I encourage you to try out some of Matthew & Terces's books and see what practices they offer work for you in your life.  Remember that it takes a little discomfort to create a true shift.  Whatever you're stuck on right now has its payoff (otherwise you wouldn't be stuck there, right?)

This week I invite you to give it up.  

I've lead my share of protests and studied resistance movements.  I've emerged myself into identity politics quandaries and alliance building.  Trust is something that I've only given when there's evidence, which isn't really trust at all, but more like math:  for every time someone "double-crosses" me, I take one steps back in trusting that person again.  For every time I was fulfilled I take one step forward.  This dance in the end has me living life in place, static and stale.  I've held back, been defensive and then gathered evidence for the troubles of world and stayed at home.

An amazing friend of mine is a huge inspiration to me in regards to trust.  She has had her fair share of discouragements and falls in relationships and jobs.  She's been hurt, refused, turned against and abused.  Moving from one job to another and one relationship to another... she's never been single and not looking for a partner.