One of the things that you hear most about healthy relationships, families, and communities is that they are built on trust.  Now, I have to admit, that this confuses me a little bit.  I mean, what is this ‘Trust’ thing anyway? To find out more about how to cultivate trust, I did a bit of research.  John Gottman, Ph.D. at the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley defines trust using the acronym ‘Attune’:

•  Awareness of your partner’s emotion;
•  Turning toward the emotion;
•  Tolerance of two different viewpoints;
•  trying to Understanding your partner;
•  Non-defensive responses to your partner;
•  and responding with Empathy.

Are you surprised?  I have to admit that I was.  I grew up in a culture where having ‘trust’ in a relationship meant something straightforward, like having trust that someone is not ‘cheating’ on you, or trusting that they will show up when they said they would.  Matthew and Terces seem to have a similar idea about trust in relationship.  Here are some of the things that they are committed to:

I admit I have been pretty hard on myself for a few months for not being my authentic self. I have noticed myself reverting back to complaining and getting upset about my life’s circumstances and feeling stuck because of it. I moved back into my old habits of letting things happen and reacting to them. I have sat and wondered what happened to me? I was never this way or I thought I gave up being this way. This morning I woke up and forgave myself. I realized yesterday, with the support of a wonderful man, that I have been too hard on myself for actually just going through the transitions that everyone faces in life.

So first - the story. Yes! The story, who can i be without the story? A man in the wilderness sitting squatted in padmasana meditating about the self... Of course the story, once you succeeded, transforms into the path. The story is the funny thing we get to remember. The story is what puts bunions in the feet of our ego. The story, once expressed, is ether released into reality, and whoever gets to witness (if they are well enrolled) can help you reach the greatest goal. 

Last Wednesday was a very eventful day at Café Gratitude’s central office.  A few long-term computer issues came to a head, moved past the point of unworkable, and becoming what can only be called “Breakdowns.”

For the past year, we have been struggling with an issue where our Quickbooks imports corrupt our company file.  The cause of this problem has eluded us as we have tried solution after solution.  On Wednesday, we had a breakdown of this system that was big enough to put us completely offline, and force our bookkeeper to start writing checks by hand. However, this particular breakdown was so big, that our team was actually able to find the bug, and replicate it, and get to the bottom of what was causing the problem! The breakdown that had shut down one of our most important systems turned out to be the breakthrough that fixed what had been a perpetual problem.

Anger is not my favorite emotion.  I do not consider myself an angry person, and I do not frequently experience anger in my life.  Situations that are uncomfortable for me usually elicit frustration, sadness, or hurt, before they ever touch the nerve of anger. 

I am beginning to realize, that even though I do not feel angry when people betray my personal standards of conduct, my anger does surface in other ways: silence, avoidance, and irritability.  I am beginning to consider that anger is actually on my side, and is trying to help me become more empowered in my relationships.  I push it down because of fear that it is not socially permissible, or that it will not be taken well.  Sometimes I am even afraid that if I let my anger out, it will simply be too much and run amok. 

Kaci Christian is a woman with a mission.  Her life has seen her through various careers: as a lecturer, investigative reporter, TV news anchor, sign language interpreter, motivational speaker, and more.  At heart, she is a storyteller - a bridge between the worlds of those who know and do not know, see and do not see, hear and do not hear.

The connecting thread for her has always been a genuine passion for people, animals, the our planet, and a desire to make a positive difference in the world.  That mission is clear in her latest endeavor: The WE conference.

In the past few days, I decided to recommit myself to a pretty simple practice. A quick note about simple practices: what I mean when I say “simple” is that it requires one or two steps, like sitting meditation, or washing my dishes within 24 hours. The joy with simple practices, of course, is that they hold my entire world in their exercise. If we take on that the way we do one thing is the way we do all things, simple is just an optical illusion. The stuff we’re working on is going to show up whether we’re orchestrating a complex, multi-million business model, or in “chop wood, carry water.” So in a way, “simple practice” is more of a reassurance to my resistance. Don’t worry; I tell myself, it’s a simple practice! Then it’s harder to talk myself out of it (though it seems my ego can wiggle its way out of anything) and it feels more manageable. It’s all just talk though, after all, since the big results are the same present moments strung together as small results, but it’s helpful talk.

That being said, my practice has been not fudging with time. I have a habit of saying, “I’ll be there in ten minutes,” when there’s really very little chance I could get there in less than fifteen. I’m usually fudging five or ten minutes, and most often this happens with friends, not with work or professional relationships. I noticed this habit and didn’t like where it landed me: rushed, contracted, and lying. For me, this is more work on wise speech - “fudging” is easier to allow myself than “lying”, but they’re the same thing. Fudging is only different from lying in the amount I’ve deemed it acceptable to not be in line with the truth. Well, I’m playing the big game here, so I know that if something is off, even just a little, that’s where my current path is to more freedom. (That’s what I love so much about things being off-center -- I have a beautiful treasure map of the place I’m getting to dig in and grow.)

This week I encourage you to be courageously transparent.  Consider that we create walls surrounding our authentic selves in fear of not being loved.  As Matthew Engelhart says, all we are ever really saying is “love me” or “I love you”.  I’m beginning to notice that most of us are so caught up in ourselves, trying to conceal parts of ourselves in fear of not being loved that we don’t look up to see others.  

Sometimes I feel so alone that I never open my eyes to see that I am constantly in community and there are millions feeling the same way.  What will it take for us to be loved?  Be ourselves!  This week I invite you to open up to your truest self, whatever that means to you. If there is something that you are hiding in fear of judgment, then you are not giving others the opportunity to love all of you, to love you to the core.  I invite you to crack your castle walls and lower your defenses to be seen for who you truly are.  Maybe this means thinning a mask of makeup for a day.  Maybe this means expressing when you are hurt.  Maybe, just maybe, it means telling someone that you love them.  How funny we are in our aim to be loved and yet withhold loving.  It’s up to us to break the cycle.  My invitation to you is to lower your walls and connect more deeply with those around you.  Imagine a community of people truly knowing each other and having such a safe container to love each other in.  Know that the only thing at stake in speaking up is your ego.  Remember that we love you, that you are powerful, that you are perfect.  Thank you for who you are, and for who you aren’t.